I cleaned my parents house. My mum came home from another doctors appointment and she was extremely sick. They put in a stent to relieve the pressure of the tumor around the pancreas. I kept hoping that she would be ok, so far no jaundice, no nasuea, no vomitting or diahrea. She had so few symptoms I could easily believe that we caught it early enough. But she was suffering from pancreatitis at that point. So, I sent her to bed and got the pain meds into her and she was out.
The night before, Dad has called in Aunt Eva- mum's oldest sibling and only sister- to come out and stay with them. He said she needed her security blanket and that Aunt Eva could help her more than he can. Dad doesn't feel like he has been a good husband he thinks he has failed her in so many ways. We had a long talk. Dad loves my mother dearly and he is completely devastated by this and the waiting and the not knowing is keeping them both up at night and Dad can barely eat. Mum is in serious pain so he is sleeping in the recliner in the living room so she can have the bed.
He told me that when they first were married they had lived on my grandfather's farm. One night he had come home from work and saw that their car was across from the trailer and parked in my Grandfather's garden. So, he said he asked her how it had gotten there. All she would say was "it's stuck". But she had this smirk on her face that he said always meant there was far more to the story, but then the car on the garden already told him that.
He said "I can see that, but how did it get stuck over there".
She wouldn't really tell him, only "it's stuck".
"But HOW did it get stuck over there?" he asked.
"Well, it was stuck in the driveway."
"Yes, but NOW it is in the garden."
"I thought I would revv the engine a little and then rock it back and forth and get it unstuck. But that didn't work. So, I revved the engine some more and put it in reverse...but that didn't work. So, I revved the engine some more, put it in reverse, got out and pushed...and it SHOT across the driveway into the garden and NOW IT'S STUCK!"
He and I cleaned the house as fast as we could while she slept. Dad left to go to work and she woke up at some point not long before I had to leave and she comes down the hallway and just turns to look at me and she says "Holy shit" as she looks at me, then with no explaination and nothing else to say she turns and walks back down the hallway, I told her "Yeah, well you don't look so hot yourself!" Apparently, she was just surprised that the house was clean and wasn't commenting on how I looked.
At the end of the day, still no news and still no hope. Right now, she is just tired, sick, scared and sad. But at least she has her family. I left for work as soon as Dad got home from his job and then Aunt Eva and my brothers showed up to help celebrate a belated anniversary with her. She did get an appointment for the next day and she asked me to go get a blood test called the CA19-9 which is supposed to be able to detect Pancreatic Cancer in your blood.
The problem with certain cancers is they mask themselves as other things. Pancreatic Cancer can even convince you it is just gas. It did that to my mother. Because of that, this cancer is often not found until it is too late. It seems so funny, not even a week ago we were reading the article about how Sally Ride had passed away from Pancreatic Cancer and how it is so hard to find...and now, we are waiting to find out just how long this little mass has been hiding in my mother.
Friday, August 3, 2012
August 1, 2012
My parents celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary that day. My mum's facebook post said "42 years ago today I married a great man, today he gave me flowers, I gave him news of cancer...I like the flowers better". Mum found out she had pancreatic cancer on their anniversary. My parents have known each other since they were children. My mother's brother was my father's best friend growing up. My dad never had a lot of dates, but my uncle Al always wanted to go double with my dad so he would set them up together.
There is no doubt in my mind my father adores my mother. Less than 5 years ago my mother was diagnosed with skin cancer. And I saw my father cry for the first time in my life. She survived it. The day they told her she had Cancer she said she made a decision not to let it be the death of her. They put her on a year long regimen of Interfuron. This stuff was brutal. She got winded going up a flight of stars, she couldn't even keep up with me when I walked with her into a store, and she was exhausted. But she went to work every day, she drove herself three hours to camp and she drove an hour to see her grandkids. She said it would not kill her and it didn't. That was then.
Now, we sat by her side while she waited to be sent in for an endoscope. We have known there is a mass on her pancreas since Wednesday July 25th. The doctors won't say "Cancer," it's like they're worried that if they say "Cancer" she will fall to pieces. The longer they pussy foot around it, the worse we all feel. A mass on her pancreas is not likely to be anything other than Cancer. And she can handle the truth better than any human being. Only one doctor was willing to hint at it. Before they wheeled her in for her scope, the doctor leaned over her and said "You know what it is, and I know what it is, we just need to confirm it and stage it".
I called my father from work to talk to him about the results and all he could say was "Bad." He has no understanding at that point of the cancer only that she is in pain and she is sick and for him that is "Bad." I drove over to their place after work and explained the staging and what I know about Pancreatic Cancer. Unlike Dad, I am internet savvy, he still thinks that a black and white television was perfectly fine...why change to color. I looked it up. Because, I was curious about what we were facing...and found out that in the grand scheme of things I am next on the Pancreatic Cancer pony.
Had it not been for genetics and the joy of heredity, Mum should never have had it. She isn't even overweight, let alone obese. She doesn't smoke, and doesn't live in a house filled with smoke. She has had gallstones, but not pancreatitis. She should never have gotten it...I should have.
There is no doubt in my mind my father adores my mother. Less than 5 years ago my mother was diagnosed with skin cancer. And I saw my father cry for the first time in my life. She survived it. The day they told her she had Cancer she said she made a decision not to let it be the death of her. They put her on a year long regimen of Interfuron. This stuff was brutal. She got winded going up a flight of stars, she couldn't even keep up with me when I walked with her into a store, and she was exhausted. But she went to work every day, she drove herself three hours to camp and she drove an hour to see her grandkids. She said it would not kill her and it didn't. That was then.
Now, we sat by her side while she waited to be sent in for an endoscope. We have known there is a mass on her pancreas since Wednesday July 25th. The doctors won't say "Cancer," it's like they're worried that if they say "Cancer" she will fall to pieces. The longer they pussy foot around it, the worse we all feel. A mass on her pancreas is not likely to be anything other than Cancer. And she can handle the truth better than any human being. Only one doctor was willing to hint at it. Before they wheeled her in for her scope, the doctor leaned over her and said "You know what it is, and I know what it is, we just need to confirm it and stage it".
I called my father from work to talk to him about the results and all he could say was "Bad." He has no understanding at that point of the cancer only that she is in pain and she is sick and for him that is "Bad." I drove over to their place after work and explained the staging and what I know about Pancreatic Cancer. Unlike Dad, I am internet savvy, he still thinks that a black and white television was perfectly fine...why change to color. I looked it up. Because, I was curious about what we were facing...and found out that in the grand scheme of things I am next on the Pancreatic Cancer pony.
Had it not been for genetics and the joy of heredity, Mum should never have had it. She isn't even overweight, let alone obese. She doesn't smoke, and doesn't live in a house filled with smoke. She has had gallstones, but not pancreatitis. She should never have gotten it...I should have.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Ho Hum, Humdrum kind of day
The snow turned into rain this morning. So much for hiking today. So, it's a good day for housekeeping. What I really want to do, though, is hide in my room and read a book under the bedclothes. It's cold, wet, dreary and my mood has decided to match. Apparently, it's also making my cats moods match, they are beating each other senseless. I peeked into the window on the second floor apartment and all three of her cats were happily curled together. I came upstairs to my place and there's a curtain down in the living room, my older cat is hissing and snarling in the kitchen and the younger one is running from end to end of our little apartment yowling. I'm gonna let you all guess who knocked the curtains down and I bet you won't need all three guesses.
I made Avocado Turkey Bacon pasta from www.gazingin.com. Pretty good, I didn't have the lime to put in it, but even without it this stuff was a nice change of pace. I'm getting sick of the same old, same old. The great thing about growing up is that our tastes change. No more living on macaroni and organge powder or salt laden Ramen Noodles. I barely eat Chinese food or Domino's pizza anymore. I still like to get an egg roll and some teriyaki once in a while, or a bowl of wonton soup, but after searching carton upon carton of sloppy, sticky, oily, fatty and just disgusting meals from take out restaraunts- I work in a forensic and civil psychiatric center they can't have anything they can use to do harm- you get to a point where you don't want to see it anymore let alone taste. THANK GOD! I like to make a healthy veggie and protein stirfry. My favorite is pork or shrimp with snow peas, mushrooms, carrots and edamame. I'm not supposed to have soy anymore so I keep the edamame to a minimum.
I have hypothyroidism. I get a lot of conflicting information about what I can and can not eat. One thing has stayed true on each pamphlet, website and medical professional. NO SOY. Which sucks. I'm lactose intolerant after having damaged my body when I was 18- I had gallstones. And I drink soy milk, which my room mates thank me for! And now I can't. I can't have high fiber or anything with calcium for 4 hours after I take my meds, which pretty much rules out oatmeal, cereal, pancakes, french toast...ok...food of any sort really. I eat a lot of eggs. I used to love eggs. Now, not so much. I wasn't surprised when they told me I had high cholesterol, I've had that since I was 18, but then they put me on meds for it and told me I can't have grapefruit. I was an inch away from screaming. I am probably one of the only people in the world who loves grapefruit. I bet everyone else told they can't have it anymore just shrug and say "pffft", not me. So, foods are limited. On top of the fact that no matter what, my metabolism sucks, I'm tired all the time and sore a lot. It makes for a miserable day.
It's a need to keep the joy in food and a desire to make the right choices that has lead me to surfing through the web each day to find something edible and appropriate and not on the verboten list. I found Gazing In through her other site Trail Cooking. I've been planning a trip on the 1oo Mile Wilderness section of the Appalachian Trail and I loved her recipes. It's easier to make the right decisions when it comes to foods. I know what I can't have, I know enough about nutrition to know what I shouldn't have, and I tend to like a salad for supper most days. I would love to get to a point where I had more motivation and less exhaustion and pain. And cold feet. I hate the cold feet. I'm wearing a pair of Rocky band thick hiking socks under a pair of heavy fleece Acorn mucklucks and my feet are still ice. I sleep in these booties all the time.
All I've managed to do is the dishes and make a meal. I think I hear my book and bed calling me. It's really a good time to just take a nap and maybe get up with a better attitude and a bit more energy because my bedroom is a sty!
I made Avocado Turkey Bacon pasta from www.gazingin.com. Pretty good, I didn't have the lime to put in it, but even without it this stuff was a nice change of pace. I'm getting sick of the same old, same old. The great thing about growing up is that our tastes change. No more living on macaroni and organge powder or salt laden Ramen Noodles. I barely eat Chinese food or Domino's pizza anymore. I still like to get an egg roll and some teriyaki once in a while, or a bowl of wonton soup, but after searching carton upon carton of sloppy, sticky, oily, fatty and just disgusting meals from take out restaraunts- I work in a forensic and civil psychiatric center they can't have anything they can use to do harm- you get to a point where you don't want to see it anymore let alone taste. THANK GOD! I like to make a healthy veggie and protein stirfry. My favorite is pork or shrimp with snow peas, mushrooms, carrots and edamame. I'm not supposed to have soy anymore so I keep the edamame to a minimum.
I have hypothyroidism. I get a lot of conflicting information about what I can and can not eat. One thing has stayed true on each pamphlet, website and medical professional. NO SOY. Which sucks. I'm lactose intolerant after having damaged my body when I was 18- I had gallstones. And I drink soy milk, which my room mates thank me for! And now I can't. I can't have high fiber or anything with calcium for 4 hours after I take my meds, which pretty much rules out oatmeal, cereal, pancakes, french toast...ok...food of any sort really. I eat a lot of eggs. I used to love eggs. Now, not so much. I wasn't surprised when they told me I had high cholesterol, I've had that since I was 18, but then they put me on meds for it and told me I can't have grapefruit. I was an inch away from screaming. I am probably one of the only people in the world who loves grapefruit. I bet everyone else told they can't have it anymore just shrug and say "pffft", not me. So, foods are limited. On top of the fact that no matter what, my metabolism sucks, I'm tired all the time and sore a lot. It makes for a miserable day.
It's a need to keep the joy in food and a desire to make the right choices that has lead me to surfing through the web each day to find something edible and appropriate and not on the verboten list. I found Gazing In through her other site Trail Cooking. I've been planning a trip on the 1oo Mile Wilderness section of the Appalachian Trail and I loved her recipes. It's easier to make the right decisions when it comes to foods. I know what I can't have, I know enough about nutrition to know what I shouldn't have, and I tend to like a salad for supper most days. I would love to get to a point where I had more motivation and less exhaustion and pain. And cold feet. I hate the cold feet. I'm wearing a pair of Rocky band thick hiking socks under a pair of heavy fleece Acorn mucklucks and my feet are still ice. I sleep in these booties all the time.
All I've managed to do is the dishes and make a meal. I think I hear my book and bed calling me. It's really a good time to just take a nap and maybe get up with a better attitude and a bit more energy because my bedroom is a sty!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
FINALLY
We got nailed with snow. It was awesome. I love snow. I love hiking in snow. I got my snow shoes out months ago and I have been waiting, waiting, waiting...and waiting...for winter to actually begin. I went shopping, thinking I would have plenty of time to get out there and hit a trail. Unfortunately, I worked the overnight shift last night on little to no sleep so I was slogging through the day. Bugger.
I did break down and buy a skiing face mask. I wanted something to put over my face that wouldn't fog my glasses. Given my lack of funds- 11 years of college gets expensive- I had to hit Walmart. I paid $10, so I won't judge the piece too hard. It isn't perfect. But it will work in a pinch. I also got a midget ninja mask- I got a fleece snood in black. It will match my uniform which will be nice. I have to buy pieces that can work not only hiking but on my job site, which means an awful lot of black stuff. I buy pink undies to make me feel girlie =0)
Not being able to go hiking because the wind was whipping the snow into my face and I was just exhausted, and I really was too tired even for the gym I kind of used it all as an excuse to misbehave. I'm doing everything in my power to stop drinking so much soda, eat so much white bread, pasta and rice, and to just veer away from sugar. I'm on my 3rd Pepsi, I ate almost a whole Boule bread, and I had an ice cream sandwich at work and a chocolate filled croissant....yeah, but I ate a salad...really balanced it all out. Oh well, start again tomorrow. And tomorrow, Kennebec Highlands/Sanders Hill trail...I hope. It's supposed to get icy tonight. I may just hit the Viles Arboretum instead.
I did break down and buy a skiing face mask. I wanted something to put over my face that wouldn't fog my glasses. Given my lack of funds- 11 years of college gets expensive- I had to hit Walmart. I paid $10, so I won't judge the piece too hard. It isn't perfect. But it will work in a pinch. I also got a midget ninja mask- I got a fleece snood in black. It will match my uniform which will be nice. I have to buy pieces that can work not only hiking but on my job site, which means an awful lot of black stuff. I buy pink undies to make me feel girlie =0)
Not being able to go hiking because the wind was whipping the snow into my face and I was just exhausted, and I really was too tired even for the gym I kind of used it all as an excuse to misbehave. I'm doing everything in my power to stop drinking so much soda, eat so much white bread, pasta and rice, and to just veer away from sugar. I'm on my 3rd Pepsi, I ate almost a whole Boule bread, and I had an ice cream sandwich at work and a chocolate filled croissant....yeah, but I ate a salad...really balanced it all out. Oh well, start again tomorrow. And tomorrow, Kennebec Highlands/Sanders Hill trail...I hope. It's supposed to get icy tonight. I may just hit the Viles Arboretum instead.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Mt. Phillip- Rome, Maine.
It blows my mind that it's January 10th and here in Maine, we have a dusting of snow and a smattering of ice on the trails. I hoofed it up Mt.Phillip, which is one of my favorite hikes. I like the intensity on the way up and the views. It's what I would call a moderate hike. It's steep and the trail isn't very wide in places, but there's no car sized rocks or walking along a ridge. It's my kind of wonderful. There's a great view out over the lakes, I've watched lightening arc over Augusta from that vanatage point. I sit up there and eat a lunch and just bask in the sun. Even today, the lower level of the mountain was cold but by the time I got to the top I was sweating from the exertion. I took my coat off, my mittens off and my hat off, and sat on that top and couldn't believe that I wasn't freezing, I was actually warm. The ice is just starting to cover the lakes, which is so odd, last year those lakes were solid and already covered in smelt shacks. If someone tells you that global climate change is a lie, bitch slap 'em for me. My Maine is not supposed to be warm in January, my Maine is supposed to be below 0 and I should not have been on top of those rocks without 20 feet of snow, and sure as hell not in a sweatshirt! But, I am adapting to this weird weather. I ate a protein bar and drank my water. I would have stayed there all day.
Unfortunately, I had to work at midnight so I headed on home so I could nap. There were a few flakes in the air, which was nice. However, tomorrow is supposed to be a big storm and I am looking forward to some snow! I put the kayaks up for the year and pulled out the snow shoes back in November and we had 50 degree weather and no snow pretty much since then. I could have gone kayaking all this time!
Tried out my new splash suit in my shower, after both of the room mates were in bed...there are some things you don't do with witnesses. It's dryer than a wet suit, wetter than a dry suit, but crap about the cold. I will need to layer under that bad boy. I won't stay dry if I overturn, but it will keep my clothes dry until then. Of course, if we don't get any snow, or at least rain, racing season will be harder. It's a delicate balance, too much water and every other boat overturns not enough and no one can get through the rocks.
Friday, January 6, 2012
The Mountain- Belgrade, Maine.
So, first hike of the season. I wanted something light. I worked a 16 hour shift and got home at 8 a.m. So, after only 3 hours of sleep...can someone tell me where to by kitty tranq's and a blow gun? I hoofed it out to Belgrade. I love the trails there. They are quick, generally no more than 3 miles round trip. Just enough of a challenge to make me work for it, but not so much so that I am huffing and puffing my way through the most excrutiating march of death of my life- I call that place Old Speck. I packed a lunch, a blanket and extra provisions. I tend to believe in bringing a lot more than I need on these trips. I am a clutz and have a realistic fear of falling and breaking something, or god forbid getting lost and having to camp for a night on the trail. Granted, Belgrade Regional Conservation Alliance does a lovely job marking the trails, I can't be trusted not to take a wrong turn once in a while.
Because I was limited for time- I got out there at 1pm which gave me about 4 hours of trail time, I was exhausted which will make me trip more, and it was getting overcast- little did I know why...so, I chose "The Mountain" trail. It's about 1.5 miles. You start out on a gravel road with 2 loop trails off to the sides. I usually hit both loops. One trail- the Great Pond Loop- is pretty much exclusively under trees with little view, even with the loss of the leaves, there isn't much view. You can make out Great Pond just barely in certain spots. Now, the Long Pond Loop, has nice views, an interesting trail that takes you over slabs of granite, and as of yesterday some unfortunate areas of ice. I took a wee bit of a skid and am eternally grateful I remembered my pole so I can haul my arse up when I tumble...which can be a lot. I sat down just next to the "Caution Steep Drop" sign and enjoyed some lunch, but not too long. The overcast skies meant snow which I love to hike in, but the extremely cold blast of wind I was getting nailed with made me stash my lunch and run for the end of the trail...my hands were red! Unfortunately, the only pictures I got yesterday were on my cell phone. It wasn't until I was at the trail that I realized I had forgotten to charge my camera- yup, way to go. But I REMEMBERED my head lamp...dork.
I've done this trail in Winter- Umm...January used to be winter...- and I have done it in the Summer, and I think it would not be prudent to snow shoe the trail because it really isn't very wide. I bet it would be beautiful to hike in Fall and Spring.
They are planning on doing some late night hike on one of the trails there in Belgrade. As much as I want to go, unfortunately, I am working on each of the nights they have them scheduled...bugger. Hopefully, they will do some next month.
Because I was limited for time- I got out there at 1pm which gave me about 4 hours of trail time, I was exhausted which will make me trip more, and it was getting overcast- little did I know why...so, I chose "The Mountain" trail. It's about 1.5 miles. You start out on a gravel road with 2 loop trails off to the sides. I usually hit both loops. One trail- the Great Pond Loop- is pretty much exclusively under trees with little view, even with the loss of the leaves, there isn't much view. You can make out Great Pond just barely in certain spots. Now, the Long Pond Loop, has nice views, an interesting trail that takes you over slabs of granite, and as of yesterday some unfortunate areas of ice. I took a wee bit of a skid and am eternally grateful I remembered my pole so I can haul my arse up when I tumble...which can be a lot. I sat down just next to the "Caution Steep Drop" sign and enjoyed some lunch, but not too long. The overcast skies meant snow which I love to hike in, but the extremely cold blast of wind I was getting nailed with made me stash my lunch and run for the end of the trail...my hands were red! Unfortunately, the only pictures I got yesterday were on my cell phone. It wasn't until I was at the trail that I realized I had forgotten to charge my camera- yup, way to go. But I REMEMBERED my head lamp...dork.
I've done this trail in Winter- Umm...January used to be winter...- and I have done it in the Summer, and I think it would not be prudent to snow shoe the trail because it really isn't very wide. I bet it would be beautiful to hike in Fall and Spring.
They are planning on doing some late night hike on one of the trails there in Belgrade. As much as I want to go, unfortunately, I am working on each of the nights they have them scheduled...bugger. Hopefully, they will do some next month.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
It's a Whole NEW Year
Look, I have to admit...I'm kind of dull. My everyday life is. I work for a mental hospital and if it weren't illeagal I would happily tell you stories about what I see everyday. But, I can't. However, I live in Maine. For those of you not versed in American Geography or History; Geographically, I live in New England, the place where the sun first rises in America and that spot just up above New Hampshire on the map- (not Canada) and Historically, I live in one of the first places to be colonized in America. And I live in the only state to EVER legally declare war on another country- look it up The Aroostook County War. We declared war on Britain/Canada. We are the last stop on the Appalachian Trail...or first or the turning point, depending on whether you are a NOBO, a SOBO, or a Flip Flopper. The first part of the Northern Forest Canoe Trail, unless you really want to canoe upstream in which class...we could be the last part- it's your arms. Maine is the way life should be. And I stay here for a good reason.
So, rather than bore you with my ramblings, which there are many, or annoy you with my whining- quite a lot of that here too...or just try too hard to be funny, how about I share my passions with you. I love my state, and I love everything my state has to offer. I hike, I kayak, I snow shoe and I camp, camp camp campity campcampcamp. I'm planning hard to hike the 100 mile wilderness, and canoe the Allagash river, and on top of that I have my kayak races in the spring to get ready for. It's a new year, let's see if I can live it better than any year before this.
So, rather than bore you with my ramblings, which there are many, or annoy you with my whining- quite a lot of that here too...or just try too hard to be funny, how about I share my passions with you. I love my state, and I love everything my state has to offer. I hike, I kayak, I snow shoe and I camp, camp camp campity campcampcamp. I'm planning hard to hike the 100 mile wilderness, and canoe the Allagash river, and on top of that I have my kayak races in the spring to get ready for. It's a new year, let's see if I can live it better than any year before this.
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