I know fear. I worked in a jail. I walked into cell blocks without a gun, a weapon of any kind, or body armor, I frequently went in alone. I can't tell you how many times I knew I was inches away from being beaten badly. I can't even guess at how many times I was close to being attacked. And I can remember, vividly, the times that I was. I have been spit on, head butted, kicked in the ribs, punched, I have had black eyes and bruises, skin gouges and whip lash.
I know the fear of losing your job. The fear of not having enough money to pay your rent. I know the fear of being in trouble with your parents. I know about fearing you would die, fearing you will get badly hurt in the accident you see coming. I know fear of heights- I love to rock climb in a gym and I love to hike, but I hate to look down. I know the fear that if I walk across that bridge I might be too tempted to jump off it. I know the fear that I will never amount to all that I have dreamed I would be.
Believe me when I say, I know fear...but I have never known a fear like this...this makes me wish I was still at the jail, because it pales by comparison. It makes me wish I still had gall stones because that is a pain I can handle. It keeps me up at night. I makes my jaw ache from clenching it so tightly. It makes me want to jump off that bridge, because if I survive that, maybe I can survive this. And if not, I will no longer have to deal with this...But for now, I am so scared. So very scared.