8/22/12

I know fear.  I worked in a jail.  I walked into cell blocks without a gun, a weapon of any kind, or body armor, I frequently went in alone.  I can't tell you how many times I knew I was inches away from being beaten badly.  I can't even guess at how many times I was close to being attacked.  And I can remember, vividly, the times that I was.  I have been spit on, head butted, kicked in the ribs, punched, I have had black eyes and bruises, skin gouges and whip lash. 

I know the fear of losing your job.  The fear of not having enough money to pay your rent.  I know the fear of being in trouble with your parents.  I know about fearing you would die, fearing you will get badly hurt in the accident you see coming.  I know fear of heights- I love to rock climb in a gym and I love to hike, but I hate to look down.  I know the fear that if I walk across that bridge I might be too tempted to jump off it.  I know the fear that I will never amount to all that I have dreamed I would be.

Believe me when I say, I know fear...but I have never known a fear like this...this makes me wish I was still at the jail, because it pales by comparison.  It makes me wish I still had gall stones because that is a pain I can handle.  It keeps me up at night.  I makes my jaw ache from clenching it so tightly.  It makes me want to jump off that bridge, because if I survive that, maybe I can survive this.  And if not, I will no longer have to deal with this...But for now, I am so scared.  So very scared.